. . .

Dearest «i am» of “You”

,
BEing a “Leo” and “of the Sun”
has been a great “difficulty”
for my … “3D existance”,
as
it is … “impossible” for MySelf
to “stay in the shadows”
and … “hide” what has been
my … “inner workings” … …

.

The mind of the 11 year old and 15 year old
and 17 year old, of MySelf …
always “wishes” …

… well, “they” … “come~up” … and
the are “scared” and … “confused” … …

and,
as … “per usual” … are also … “UNable”
to “hide away” “what” they are feeling
from the very person they are … having
any feelings about …

… …

… grew up, continuasly, being “put”
in a “cage”,
and on top of “that”,
a “smaller” cage, than i could ever “fit” … …

“my” … physical “size”
… “took” … the “shape” of
what “described” TO me.
from an early age …

… particularly, after “my period started”
at … 9 and a half …

… my land experienced
a “coup d’ etat” and an invasion
that literally … TEARED APART
and “split” HER in to two~halves,
only 5 years prior to “me” first having
my period … …

you see, Dearest ΦΩΤΟΑΔΕΛΦΙ,
i already had “learned” WHAT … “war”
… “does” … to PARTICULARLY
the … “female” … …

… the “raping” … the “violence” …

it PANICKED “me”
that … “any man” … “COULD”
… “take” me … and
being with a body that was
having her period … ABLE
to “end up” with … “child”
myself … …

… “that” has been my terror …

… “a child” WITH “a child” …

it was an absolute “horror”
for myself, to “think”
that i would be responsible
for “a little BEingNess”,
when myself was NOT
capable of such “responsibility” …

… was NOT “capable” of
“protecting” my own self …

and,
as i had already … “learned”
that …
from “that” kind of “thing”
( “war”, “rape” )
again IN particular
( “violence” ),
there was NO ONE
to protect “me” … “any way” …

…

So, my “fear” and my VERY ACUTE “mind”
consciously, “decided”
that
if i were to be … “UNattractive”, i would
have “better chances” of … “deterring”
… “that”, from happening to me …

… “a child” to have “a child” …

…

In need of “the ingredient”
that … “smoothed
my anxieties”

( i had already “learned”
“that” … “substance” and its “effects”, too )

AND which, at the same time,
assist in the … “accomplishment” of
… “be UNattractive”, … …

… i “emerged” myself into … eating “chocolate”

…

By the time i was 13 years “old”,
i was at 75kg …

my “family” ( biological )
made it very “clear”
that
i was NOT … “beauty~full”

not in a “nasty” way …
… but ALWAYS the “talking”
around “having to go on a diet
for my own health’s good” stuff …

and, since ( at the time )
my parents were quite “well~off”
they would “use”
my “wishing” of … “things”

( as for example, i
ALL WAYS
~
“always”
wanted to learn the drums !!!
… was very “musically inclined” child
any way … )

thusly,

the
“… if you lose ‘so much’ weight,
THEN, ‘we’ will get you ‘that’ …”

became … “the standard”
of … “my accomplishments” …

… which, were always on … “fail” …

…

And, “that”
also … “created” a further
… “behavioural pattern”
towards “me” from my family,
which was the :

… “too much” …
… “no descipline” … ( = “weak” )
… “not accomplishing” …

“patterns” that were … “added”
to the already … “established” ones

of
baby, toddler 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 year “old”
as for example,

“… we should have named you ‘Ataxia’

not ‘Alexia’ …”

( “ΑΤΑΞΙΑ” ataxia
is

> “a” steritiko + táxee
> deprivative “a” + order, ( class )

“that which is with no order”
the Ellenic word ( also ) for
“naughtyness” )

“… they must have made a mistake

at the clinic and gave us the wrong child …

… there is no way you are a child of ours …”

( again,
it was not “said” in a … “vicious, vicious” way,
however,
for “a child”,
“what” the ones that … “raise” the child “say”
… IS “what” … goes … …

one is UNable to have the “sence of … irony”
at their “early years of HumanHood” …!

…

… being a
“too much to handle”
and
“not part of the group”
has always been
my … “signature” of … “identity” …

…

Now,
wish all “that” aforementioned above
to be added to
… the fact …
that,

being on Earth
NEVER “felt” … “correct” …

and, “earth living”
NEVER “felt” as it ought
… «to BE» on eARTh …

adding also … the fact …

that
ALL WAYS
~
“always”
… “known” …

“i” was “here” to … “assist”
in the … “evolutional ascension”

and, that
“my home”
was amongst the stars i could see
at night … …

… SPECIFICALLY,
the un~straightened “5”
in the sky i first … “recognised”
at … “5” years old …
… the “plough” …
… “Ursa Major” …

( “ursa”, in Latin, is “bear” )

“Arktouros” is an Ellenide word

… ΑΡΚΤΟΥΡΟΣ …

ΑΡΚΤΟΣ + ΟΥΡΟΣ

and,
as with Ellenide words
it l i t e r a l l y means
.
“Bear Guardian”
,
“the Guardian of the Bear”

… … …

It took “me” a loooooooong “time”
to

… “embrace” …

( bear ~ hug )

the “beast” side of myself

( remember a Leo AS well
… the “Strength” card in Tarot ?!? … )

and,
not very long “after” … “that”
“revel at ion”

… “came” … “my” … “association”
with
the … “Arcturians” … … …

…

and,
“some~how”
… “prompted” …
to
“you”

… … …

Which
brings me to … the original ΛΟΓΟΣ
“i” started … “writing” … all this …

…

As i tried to make “clear” …

“my 3D existance” has been
very much
about
“too much”

and

“my” CONSTANT
“wish” to
“be~long” and be “held”
and
being ALWAYS “told” :

“… not now … am busy …”

also … “played a great, great part”

in the … “too much” regime …

which

… consequentially …

also co~related with the

… “am a burden” …

…

Now,

AS
“felines” do not “do well” when … encaged

AND

for all,
and for as long as i can remember “myself”,

“my … enormousness” …

has been “my” greatest … “struggle” …

… “taking too much time~space” …

( and still is …
“lesser”
but/and
still not quite “all done” yet )

this lifetime’s main … “3D existance issue”
from which
“everything of consequence”
OF …”3D existance”,
has been

“that” “phrase” …

… “taking too much time~space” …

.

And,

“that”
is
“what”
am … “feeling”
with
… “you” …

that “i” have “too much” … “expectations”

( my last “3D hindrance” ~ “expectations” )

from “you” …

that “i” am UNrightfully “expecting” these
“too muchness” of me, to be
… “accepted” by “you” …

that “my” expectations are “thoroughly
egocentric” and thusly,
“i” be~come “a burden”
to “you” …

.

i apologise

it takes MySelf very long to
… “trans~pose” my ΛΟΓΟΣ

and,

“it” derives from my
deeply sincere, and
almost,
“desperate” need
to «BE»
in CLEAR
… “communication” …

…

Again,
i apologise for my “blubbering”

…

i needed to
“not be in the shadows”

and

“clear” it … “out”

… … … !!! … … …

.

ALL WAYS
~
“always”

.

Grateful & Great~Full

.

ale3iA

.

… … ….

.

Post Scriptum :
am going to “press” … “send/post”
beCause
other~wise
“i” will be “checking and rechecking
and rechecking” for “spelling”, “grammar”,
just EVERY minute detail, to be … “perfect”

… “my ascendant” BEing a “Virgo”

AND

… having ΕΡΜΗΣ Ermés

(which “Latin” and the “Roman empire”
misappropriated to “Mercury”)

AT “Virgo”, “too”

makes it quite … “over~zealous”
to a … “cautionary” degree …

and,

thusly,

will “end ~ up” being “here” untill
… “tomorrow” … …

.

… embracing you, Dearest …

.

… … ….

.

.

Thank You

for “your” .. “time~space”

to even … “read” this …

.

… deeply humbled …

.

.

❤

.

.